Wednesday, September 3, 2008

When knowledge backfires.

Can you ever know to much? I didn't think so, however last night, I might have answered yes to that question.

Ever since we found out about Zach's allergies, to peanuts and tree nuts, all I have wanted to do is educate myself.

I want to know everything I can, in order to keep my child safe. If I don't know an answer, I look for it. I have found others, dealing with the same thing, to see how they manage.

I watch for updates, I read everything I can find, that has to deal with this allergy. I want to be informed, and know exactly what I am dealing with.

Last night, I hit my threshold. I stumbled upon a website, that had way too much information. First I must preface this, I was very tired from working late last night. My guard was down, way down, I would add.

I started reading about some tragedies that involved the peanut allergy. This was not news to me. I know the reality, this is serious, I got that a long time ago.

For some reason, last night, I could not read about it any longer. I got off the site, shut the computer down, and went to my husband and cried.

I had an overwhelming feeling, that there was going to be a day, I could not protect my son from this horrible allergy. I was so scared in that moment. My husband just listened, and let me cry.

As mothers, we just want to protect our children, and the thought, that there is something out there, I may not be able to protect him from, terrifies me.

After my good cry, I pulled it back together. You know they say, tears cleanse the women's soul. Not sure who they are, but it did feel like my soul was cleansed.

I needed to have that moment, to draw closer to God. The only way I can deal with this, is to trust in him. My God is bigger than this allergy, and I trust that he knows what he is doing.

My plans, are not always his plans, when I fight that, is when life seems to difficult. When I align myself with God, there is nothing I can not get through.


  1. Elaine, I think I know the website you are talking about. I have the EXACT SAME feeling a year ago when I was introduced to the site. It was overwhelming and the difference between you and me is that I have no one else to cry on. It was a horrible feeling. I still read the site and from time to time, post something there, it does offer some good info. But I am very selective right now, I do not take it all in. I tell myself, I don't know these people, don't know their background, how could I trust them 100% and lost my faith over this. Hang in there, I, too, feel powerless over this STUPID allergy thing. Take good care

  2. I have also gone through these "dark nights of the soul" with regard to tragic peanut allergy stories. I even wrote a post about this in my blog--it is very hard to hear about these things.

    I really try not to read them anymore. As you said, we know that nut allergies are serious, so why torment ourselves?

    I like to think that being aware of these stories makes us more careful as parents--so there is the silver lining.

    I can tell you that you will feel better as time goes on and your child gets more independent. My daughter now reads all food labels along with us and is very careful at school. (Her teachers all tell us this.)

    Our kids will be OK if we keep doing what we're doing--which is being informed, cautious and loving while letting them live their lives.

  3. So true Jenny. Thank you for the encourgement. I love hearing how it will be a little easier down the road. I love that your daughter reads the labels with you. My little guy says "not nuts for me" everytime I am looking at a package.